Reading What You Wrote

So there is absolutely no doubt about it that writing is beauty and art, but I'm always going back and forth between two opinions that I have about writing. A part of me loves it because if you write something, you can throw it away. It's like you've never even wrote it and it was still art but it was only art for a minute but that doesn't matter because it's still art. The other part of me thinks writing is amazing because it's like saving your life on a piece of measly paper. When you read something it takes you back to the exact time you wrote it. It feels like it's that same day and your experiencing those same feeling over again, which I guess can be a wonderfuk thing but also a horrible thing depending on the circumstances. I have notebooks from when I was in elementary school and even though most of it was nosense, it's still enjoyable seeing what mind set I was in and what I was feeling on those days such a long time ago and I hope that when I'm older than I am now I can look back on blogs and facebook and journals and see who I was now and compare it to who I've become. I have no doubt in my mind that I will probably change again; My ideas, my fashion sense, maybe my values. It's funny because a lot of the time when I go back and read stuff I've wrote, I don't even remember writing it. It's a reminder I guess that can be forgotten.

I Just Feel Like Talking

Haven't posted in forever! I had a few things going on but mostly because I was just being a tiny bit lazy. So I know I'm wishy washy and change my plans a lot...butttt, I've finally decided something permanent. I'm moving in with my boyfriend Tyler and my lovely friend Kaily a few hours from where we live now. It's exciting. The reason we are moving is mainly for college but I honestly love the area. It's all national parks and forests and woods, which is perfect for the new dog I'm going to get. I've decided Jack Russel Terrier (from the pound of courseve because I don't support back yard breeders). They are small which is perfect for an apartment, yet have tons of energy so they will be perfect to take on long hikes which I love doing!!!!! We've already all got accepted into the college and we just took a trip down there to look at apartments and we found a few we liked. The one we were in love with was bigger than the house I live in now. It was beautiful and on 9 acres of land but it was just a tiny bit more than what we can afford to pay every month, so we are going with a different appartment that the same guy is leasing out. It's a 3 bedroom apartment connected to 3 other apartments with a huge kitchen and huge bathroom with a pretty deck/porch. We have to fax him our rental applications tomorrow, and then we are moving in on June 13th or something like that. It'll be a nice change getting away from here for a few years and in case your wondering heres a little hair update from the cutting mishap:
So I cut it by myself which I shouldn't have done. I tried letting it grow up but it was so layerd aand choppy and thin so I bleached the black dye out myself and died it a reddish brown and then I went to a salon and had them blend my layers and cut 3 inches off just to even it all out. That was a month ago so now it's almost back to normal again. I just have to wait a couple more months for my length to grow back out again but other than that it looks great. Life is pretty good right now. It feels good taking charge and moving away. I'm excited to be on my own.

Impatience

So I'm really impatient and I cut my hair because I was getting antsy and i don't like it! It's still long; I didn't cut off any length but I got really huge short layers and it made my hair pretty thin. I can not cut it again! It won't be grown out for about 4 months so I guess I'll have fun waiting. I never learn my lesson. I just always cut my hair. Nothin much else has been new. The winter is still driving me crazy. I need to go hiking before I go insane. I've decided to hike the appalachian trail after I graduate. Sounds fun right?

If I Wrote Myself a Letter

If I did write myself a letter as a child. I'm not sure what it would say. It would start out reminding myself to never let the beauty of nature slip out of my favorite things list and to never forget the importance of my mind because essentially it controls everything I do. It might sat Deay Jessica, "beauty is only skin deep" is one of the most over used cliches but by far the most important. Fat people and skinny people have the same opportunities in life so don't make yourself think any less reguardless of what shape you are. You are the only one who can instill fear in yourself. It might say, Don't waste your time worrying because well, your wasting your life. And I'd probably tell myself to become addicted to Coffee earlier, lose my jealousy problems, trust more in your best friends but always rely on yourself. I'd tell myself to write everyday and that art is lifes escape.

So I Stopped Counting the Days

Okay it's a proven fact, I can't blog once a day. Is it because I have no time? Well, sometimes I suppose that's the case, other times it's because I have nothing to say, and probably 1/2 the time it's out of shear lazyness. So I didn't have school today. Alas mother nature hit my town with an incredible amount of snow and by the grace of God, someone who worked for the town of my inhabitance decided driving on the roads was too risky and called off school. Today was also my brothers birthday and he despises anything to do with even the word school so he was more than thankful that he was school free on his birthday. My two best friends (Tyler, who also happens to be my boyfriend, and Abby who, bless her heart, is one of the greatest wisest people on earth) and I took my brother sledding which was fun but horrible when I got a faceful of snow which happened a few times and then we went swimming at an indoor pool. It was wonderful; he was so greatful. (We took him out to eat as well and he got spagetti um might I say barf but he enjoyed it). So all in all the snow day was great. Last night we were anticipating the snow day so I stayed the night at Abby's which was wonderful. Today when we woke up we watched the movie "Dakota Skye", which I loveeddd. So I completely recommend that. I feel as if I have nothing else to say, so BYE!

Day Number 7

So I have no excuses, I didn't blog yesterday. I was typing a paper for school and got done and just went to bed...um oh well? I'm pretty sure today's will make up for it.
Lately I've been feeling, well I don't know sort of down I guess? Is that the right word... I don't realy want to say depressed, that seems kind of tough. I have two best friends. One is my boyfriend Tyler and the others name is Abby. She's beautiful in every way I can think of.
I was upset at school today and as we sat in the janitors office (our new designated lunch spot) she said to me "Jessica you should eat your own words." By that she means listen to myself when I say being unhappy is worthless. I've been dwelling on self image lately and she just drug me out of my hell pit and rose me somewhere high above any wasted life that cares materialistically at my school.
So we went our our own adventure curing a week long string of worries and low self asteem.
First stop Mcdonalds:
     2 MCchickens 
     2 medium fries   &
     2 ice creams later, we were feeling a bit better
sadly that was not enough.
I (not being a regular coffee drinker) was craving a cup of coffee and another good conversation,
so off to cuppy's coffee we went....but alas they weren't open.
We were already down town so we searched for a bit and came across a tiny diner. We decided it would do and entered. The whole time we were there we just talked and talked about things that people our age aren't normally discussing deeply. Deep conversations are our specialty. Why isn't marrige accepted at our age. Why everyone can't appreciate sitting in a old diner for 3 hours drinking cold coffee. After 4 cups of coffee and a bottled rootbeer, we left.
But that still wasn't enough so we left and went to a desert cafe. We ordered a citrus smoothie and a big iced sugar cookie.
Now my stomach was full and my head was clear.
Life is about making memories. Today was one I will never forget. It wasn't just where I went or what I ate, it was who I was with.
    

Day Number 5...sort of

So this is actually yesterdays blog. I tried and tried to get on here to post the blog but it wouldn't work for some reason so I had to type it on a word document and save it, but now it works so heres Yesterdays blog...

So today was good...minus the fact that I yet again woke up a bit late for school... That seems to be a regular occurance for me though. Tyler did not have to work for once in his life, so we did quite a bit today. Ate Olive Garden (which totally wan't worth it just as a by the way), and went some other places but nothing was as remarkable as turning off all the lights, lighting candles and slow dancing with him. There's just something about holding him close knowing that this life of ours will be together and hoping that every life that follows he is a part of in some way. Those are the times when I wish I could just pause and stare at that smile he gets, the one when he shows it on his face that he wouldn't trade me for 5 million dollars. Even though I know he never would, but I love it when he shows it with his smile and his eyes. Winter is finally getting to me. Every year I feel the anticipation of wanting the snow because I have good memories associated with winter. And every year I get so sick of freezing and not being able to hike whenever I want, or not being able to have a picnic on a daily basis. This is my last year of school/misery. I have no clue what I want to do with my life thereafter. College, no college? That truely is the question. Somedays I just feel like skipping out. College is over rated right? And other days it seems like the only way. Animals and Nature are my true passions but I can't think of anything I want to do bad enough to go to school for.

Life. Descions must be made.

I said now.

Please Stop yelling.

But he can't and she can't because they are being fueled.

And only when they stop, the world still yells.

Screams coming from the silence.

Silent terror.

Life does not wait so why should you says the sign laying on the dirt by the road.

So Just to be a rebel I stood still.

And now I am not dying anymore.

Day Number 4

So I didn't go to school today. My step dad had surgery so my parents left at 5:30 am. Yes I decided it would be a great idea to go back to sleep with no alarm and I woke up at 7:27. So I called my mother who was now an hour and a half away at a hospital and thankfully Mom just called me off school. I'm in the mood for such a change. I feel like life is so repetitory and scheduled out. I wake up, get ready, go to school, stay there for however long, get picked up by my boyfriend, stay with him for an hour, then he has to leave and go to work. And lastly I just sit on my butt for the rest of the night wishing life was different. I just feel powerless. I mean what can I do about it? I do appreciate what I have but I want to do something more with myself. I want to go on an adventure with Tyler.What adventure is there to go on though? We are pretty slaved by the car payment we have. Every time Tyler gets paid he goes and pays a car payment which is more than he's suppose to pay it but even then we are going to be paying it for a long time. It's holding us back from saving money to move out and live together. It's just hard to find our way on our own. I do have my parents support but as far as money goes, I wouldn't ask them to offer what they don't have. I want to make it on our own but it seems near impossible sometimes. Tyler is really hard working though and I trust him to get us where we want to go. He's smart, I'm logical so I think we'll be fine...

Day Number 3

Ahhhh, yes wonderful school. Actually it wasn't too bad seeing as I tried ruthlessly to ignore everyone. I just went a little crazy and died my hair black so it made me want to dig my nails into my ears as I heard all, "Jessica, I love your hair!" When I know everyone was probably just thinking, "Why in the hell would she do that!?" I should probably create a count down so I can record the number of days until I run off, get married, and go on a road trip. If that actually pans out...
I just blew 60 dollars on video games with my boyfriend. That happens just about everytime he gets paid. I guess that's my nasty addiction. Video games...
I'm trying to start the new year with an optimistic attitude, but it's hard as everyone around me remains the same.
I've still stuck true to my no hair cutting resolution. Yes, 3 days into the year and my hair still has yet to see scissors. It's a miracle. I'm excited about growing my hair out though. That's one superficial thing that will always remain the same with me; my undying love of long hair. After 5 years of impatience and short hair, I have a right to be obsessed...sort of.
At least through all of my spur of the moment decisions, obsessions, and break downs. I have a best friend to keep me company. You should all buy your selves one.... A Tyler. Although I don't think he can be duplicated. Maybe if Jesus, Buddah, Ghandi, Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg, and a few dirty hippies had a love child it would be Tyler but until then I suppose he's the one and only.

Day Number 2

I woke up at 5 o clock today to go to my boyfriends house. He always comes and gets me super early so we can spend a ton of time together. We went to Christmas on his fathers side as planned and actually got really nice gifts. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be seeing everyone. We stayed for a few hours and then left. Tyler and I went back to his house and I made him a chicken salad vegetarian style, then we went to target and wal mart. (I bought this really cool trial sized set of this brand called Kiss My Face which I wanted to try. It comes with all natural shampoo, conditioner, 2 moisterizers, lip balm, bar soap, stress reducing body wash, and tooth paste which I'm super excited to try out.) Then I went home. The whole day went wonderful, except when I came home, I walked into my room and saw that someone dumped pepsi on my stuff including all over my backpack and just left it there. Nice right? Well that's someone in my family for you. So right now I'm pretty upset because that's one more thing I have to clean up/accomplish before I go to sleep on account that school starts back up again tomorrow. I actually shed a few tears today literally because I hate school so much. I'm so stressed about going back. It's not that I don't get good grades because I do, it's just that I don't really have the same personality as any one else. I appreciate nature as everyone else appreciates talking about each other. So it's harder connecting with everyone else. If I could be doing anything right now  it would go something like this:
         The two people I love most in this world and I. We drive somewhere far. Away...Away from everyone. Lay back in the dirt and just let the earth swallow us whole while we talk about what we were before this life and what we may or may not become after. Seep back into our minds while still knowing each others company is present. Swarming around each other like nothing but a dream, so maybe it's real and maybe it's not but not knowing what is real just adds to the mystery of life and what is life without mystery...Nothing. Don't seek to find. Seek for the adventure.

Still Day Number 1

Okay yes I've already blogged today, but I just feel like my mind won't stop running and creating thoughts and the only way to rid myself of them is to write them down... or type them down? Anyways, family thing went okay blah blah. It was sort of boring but everyone got along which was the point right? To see your family, pretend to love each other and move on with your life. I've realized in the matter of one short day that I made too many resolutions which I have not prepared for. Like, how can I even begin to eat healthier with no healthy food in my house. Resolutions are never fulfilled on my part and just as history does, I repeat myself on a yearly basis. And I never learn from my mistakes either, like when I locked my self out of my house. I jumped through the window and then walked outside about two seconds later and did it again. The problem was that I locked the first window after I crawled through it so I had to check every window on my house to see if their was another open one. Thank God their was. Tomorrow is Christmas at my boyfriends fathers house. This will be year number three and I dread it every time. It's sort of akward, we chat with supposed family of my other half which whom he doesn't even affiliate with on a normal basis and then we akwardly say good bye and try to sneak out the door while the fam tries to tell us one more story we don't care about. Fun right? I don't nessesarily understand the point of spending time with people just because it's a holiday. I sort of feel like I never see you guys any of the other 364 days so why are you going to drive up from new york and tennesee or the neiborhood trailor park just to see me on Christmas. I'm guily of the gift collector role which comprises of agreeing to go along to random family holiday events because I know there is going to be gifts with my name written all over them even though 90 percent of the time it's stuff I would never want. I remember once when I looked up at a crow and just danced with it as it flew through the sky and I was so encased in my own child like happiness. That day was unlike any other I've ever experience and it was more of a holiday to me then any holiday I've ever experienced. I drove around for hours listening to The Beatles and just crying and laughing and trying to figure everything out about myself. I wish more people could get joy out of simple beautiful days and thrive less on what we're "supposed" to get enjoyment out of. So if anyone is reading this please go hiking and find the biggest tree, sit under it and just think. It's a ton more fun then eating cold ham reminising about when Uncle Bob farted in the super market.

Day Number 1

So yes it's finally the year 2011, but I feel no different. The only weird thing happening is that my long lost uncle, whom I have probably seen 20 times maybe in my entire life, wants to have a weird family gathering at my grandmas house so we can meet his girlfriend. She's making us dinner, which probably blows my be healthier resolution, but I don't want to insult her by not eating it. Is that insulting? Refusing food from someone you've never met when they made it for you? I had a huge bowl of fruit right when I woke up though so can that counter act the cupcakes? My boyfriend has to work so I get to go through the tourture alone. On a better note, I resisted the urge to trim my split ends which I REALLY wanted to do, so at least I'm sticking true to one of my resolutions. Tomorrow is the last day of Christmas Break, which is making me utterly depressed. Me and school don't like each others company. At least theres only a half a year left until I'm home free.